I have a son, who I started raising when he was 12. We met through ministry life and he clung to me. I noticed him. I got more involved. My heart melted for him. My heart has been smashed also. This is a true story of suffering and beauty.
His first arrest was when he was 14. He was playing with matches while crossing the school property, which was in the neighborhood. He dropped a match, and it spread in the grass and burned a stair on one of the trailers the school was using for extra classrooms. He was charged with arson of his school.
At the time we laughed at this. Who doesn’t want to light their school on fire? Of course, he really didn’t. It was one stair. We visited him during his short stint in juvenile detention, went through the court system, then probation, and continued the everyday ordinary life.
Despite my son choosing Jesus and despite my son having a safe place living with us, he ended up incarcerated anyway. He is now 39 and we have been with him persevering through every one of his sentences. Prison is where he wants to be.
My son has a natural talent to be an artist. We don’t know if he will ever actually get to do his art for a living. He would love to. He feels purpose with it. He feels connected to God with it.
I received a surprise package in the mail. Our son found a way to mail some of his artwork out of his prison. Mail is not a simple thing when in prison. Especially since there is not a mail packaging supply store. I don’t know where he got the supplies and I’m grateful nothing was damaged through the postal system. This piece of art was created with zero art supplies because well…prison.
What things are you noticing? What story is this telling you?
You see my beautiful son, too, don’t you?
I see him. I have always seen him. Even when he decides he is safer incarcerated. He has wounded me so much. I saw a different future for him. Many times I have seen a different future for him as I’ve had many times of picking him up from that exit gate. He loves me but he chooses to stay incarcerated.
I live with disappointment of a future I imagine never coming to be. I live daily with my broken-heart as our lives continue separated. I am particularly broken about why my son cannot understand what unconditional love is. How many more words do I need to pray so he can be healed of his trauma?
From my smashed heart I have learned to trust God in ways I never thought I could or would have to. I created a saying which I use often about my life: “Pain has a Holy Spirit magic way of making you beautiful.”
I made a life choice to raise this son. I made a life choice to never leave him. He’s had plenty of people leave him and give up on him. This has smashed my heart more than I ever thought I could endure. Yet I receive gifts of beauty.
This guest post is from writer Brenda Seefeldt Amodea you can connect with her at: www.bravester.com
Brenda is a pastor, speaker, author, wife, and mom to four men with their own brave stories. Her life is a story of getting her heart smashed and the many times she has chosen to get up. She shares the beauty of her pain at www.Bravester.com. Brenda’s first book is a small book about how you can become the people that hurting people need, I Wish I Could Take Away Your Pain.
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