I was just going back through my old journal and reread what I like to call “The Breakup” entry. It’s interesting how rough endings can become great beginnings. I’m thinking, in particular, about the entry I wrote August 4, 2009. It’s significant because it’s the journal entry that broke three years of “journaling silence” (I can’t think of a more clever way to say I didn’t write for three years) and it contained a lot of emotion. It chronicled the end of a five year relationship and it was the beginning of a series of entries about finding my purpose.
I just keep thinking about those three years. A lot of exciting things happened but I wasn’t compelled to write about them. Why?
Throughout that relationship I traded bits and pieces of my true self in for who I thought I should be. Remember Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland where the Mad Hatter tells Alice she “lost her muchness”? I felt like that after we broke up. I lost my “muchness”.
I believe that’s part of the reason I didn’t write for three years. I didn’t want to face myself on those lined pages and admit that I was losing myself. I wish I had kept writing. Perhaps the confrontation would have shown me how far I had pushed away my family, friends, and God in my pursuit to be loved and accepted in the eyes of another. Maybe I would have been able to salvage some pieces of myself so that I could have walked away feeling more whole than just the shell I was left with.
Now it’s 2020 and that journal has been filled. This is the part where someone might write, “God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who is also my best friend!” Those are beautiful words, but they aren’t mine. My journal entries over the past 11 years have grown and matured with me, but they don’t include a husband or family of my own. However, I’m not bitter or disappointed.
Instead I’ve been on a journey to get to know God. Admittedly, this journey started out as an excuse to avoid romantic relationships for a while. I had more than just a fear of rejection, I was afraid of losing my “muchness” again. My focus became making my relationship with God my top priority. If I know who I am in God’s eyes, won’t it be much harder to lose myself in someone else’s?
As I flip through the years in my journal, I can see where this journey has restored the pieces of myself I lost so long ago. There’s a subtle transformation from the insecure faith of a 23 year old trying to figure out what her life is about, to the woman writing this today, confident that God has called her to share the words He has laid on her heart.
Another one of those pieces fell into place recently when I read chapter 27 in Tramp For The Lord by Corrie Ten Boom. She recounts a conversation with an unmarried (and unhappy) missionary in her 40’s, and she says,
“Those called by God to live single lives are always happy in that state. This happiness, this contentment, is the evidence of God’s plan.”
For eleven years I have prayed for God to reveal His plan for me. For eleven years I have been single. For once, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.
This guest post is from writer Shirleyann Smalley you can connect with here at : www.thesinglesignificance.com
NEED ENCOURAGEMENT?
Monthly encouragement to your inbox + private community + weekly podcast , find it all here.